The Need to Be Seen

I wrote this to explain the inspiration behind my new Social/Emotional Support service. I’m a very private person, but I’d like to share a few of my own experiences to give context to this service. These stories are not meant to invoke sympathy; I’ve already done (and continue to do) the hard work of processing and alchemizing many of my painful life experiences, so I am only sharing some of them here to help others feel less alone in being alone.

The events that trigger us emotionally as adults often originate from our childhood, and that’s where my first story begins. It was the day of my elementary school graduation. After the ceremony, I waited with 30 other students in the classroom for our families to come get us. I watched as all of my classmates got matched with their parents and was ultimately the last kid to sit waiting. I had a feeling this might happen — I knew my parents wouldn’t make it because my dad had work and my mom was an addict. Weeks prior as a last resort, I had asked my uncle if he could come because he had a more flexible schedule as a cab driver, but the only guarantee he could give me was “maybe.” That day as I waited in anticipation and fear, no one showed up for me. I sank down in my chair, my face flushed red, and the tears poured down my face. In the midst of my shame, I couldn’t see or hear much, but I could faintly sense my teacher quickly coordinating with one of my friends and her family so I could join them for the rest of the afternoon. I still have photos of that day: my friend and her parents with joyful smiles, and I’m standing next them with a somber face and puffy eyes. That event led me to a lifetime of excessive self-reliance, which I didn’t realize was a trauma response until well into my 30s.

However, it was in my 20s that I started seeing how hyper-independence was not as great as it was made out to be. At 26, I signed up for my first 10 mile race. I wasn’t competing or anything, I just wanted to challenge myself with something new. I honestly thought nothing of it. I didn’t have many close friends at the time, but I had a boyfriend and didn’t even think to ask him to be there. Well, as I was stumbling across the finish line in exhaustion, I looked up to see people on the sidelines cheering for their friends and family, and it felt awful to have no one to share my moment of accomplishment with. Then at 31, I moved to a new city and later signed up to participate in a small recreational dance group that would perform on stage for the accompanying dance studio’s student showcase. I had a few new friends, so I asked around to see if any of them could come. Only one person agreed to show up, but on the night of the event, she called to say she had a headache and wouldn’t make it after all. It was my first live performance and I was devastated that no one was there to support me. I felt so alone as I sat watching all the other dancers hanging out with their friends. One dancer in my group was also new to the city, but she had recently started dating someone who had shown up to support her. I sat with the two of them during the show, but felt like a 3rd wheel the whole time.

This is why I’m launching my service — I never want anyone to be in this position. I’m that friend who always shows up when I say I will. I’ve flown across state lines just to see a friend perform even though she had been performing for years and already had tons of other friends who were going to be there. She told me this show was an important milestone for her, so I booked the flight even though I was dealing with lots of stress in my own life at the time. Maybe you can relate to some of the stories I’ve shared. If you don’t currently have someone you can count on to show up for you during important moments in your life, I can step into that role. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a live performance, but it can be a new change or achievement you want to celebrate, a milestone along your journey of growth, or even some sort of loss you’re grieving. We’re not meant to hold the heaviness of grief all by ourselves. I once had a client who had just been notified that one of his colleagues passed away. He booked a session with me because he didn’t feel like being with friends, but he also didn’t want to be alone. He was still processing the shock and sadness and just needed someone to hold space and be there with him. Loss comes in many forms — maybe it’s the loss of an old identity, lifestyle, home, relationship, or what could have been. I’m here to support you in whatever celebration or challenge you’re experiencing.