Why “ripping off the bandaid” doesn’t work in sexual intimacy.

Sometimes I get new clients who book FBSM or FS for their first session with me, even though they know they have blocks or challenges with sexual intimacy. They quietly keep the issues to themselves and hope for the best. They think they can just “rip off the bandaid” and force themselves through something their bodies are not ready for, and then are disappointed when their bodies do not respond the way they had envisioned. Here’s why that approach doesn’t work: your nervous system is wired to keep you safe, so if you have had enough intimate experiences (whether sexual or just relational) that have made you feel deeply uncomfortable or unsafe, your body will now try to protect you in any situation that puts you at risk of re-experiencing what it considers “danger.” That protective mechanism shows up as nervous system dysregulation, which interferes with your arousal and can put you in a state of dissonance, where your mind is saying “yes,” but your body is saying “no.” For example, maybe you and a new partner are lying on the bed, both wanting to have sex, but your body is tense, you are overwhelmed by anxiety, or you feel frozen. Doubling down in this situation, and pretending like nothing is bothering you, will not magically give you an erection.

So many people are disconnected from their bodies. Society has taught us to overwork ourselves, to enforce strict exercise and diets to make our bodies look a certain way, to punish ourselves when we’ve had too many sweets or were not “productive” enough, to look outside of ourselves for validation, to override our bodies’ cues for rest, to suppress and judge our emotions, to numb ourselves with overstimulation or addiction instead of tuning into our internal experiences. With slogans like “no pain, no gain” and “work hard, play hard,” there’s this notion that we need to keep pushing ourselves as if we are machines. We are taught that our bodies are wrong unless they conform to very specific ideals and expectations. No wonder our nervous systems are dysregulated!

Our bodies hold so much wisdom, if only we would slow down enough to listen. Get to know your body. What is your nervous system protecting you from? What does your body need to feel safe? The key to connecting better with others is connecting with yourself first. Understand your own needs and learn how to communicate them. Be in conversation with your partner. Safety in proximity lays the foundation for safety with touch. Some people need more time to get to know the other person before going into an intimate setting. Maybe you need more emotional connection. Maybe you need to know that your partner won’t judge you when you share something vulnerable. Maybe you need to know that your partner can be patient and understanding. Maybe you need to know that even if you get rejected by someone, it won’t diminish your worth (that’s part of the safety you build within yourself). Trust and safety cannot be forced. They are cultivated through healing experiences that help you show up more fully as your genuine self. If you’d like guidance in navigating this journey, I offer a safe and nonjudgmental space for you to share your challenges, whether it be through relational coaching or intimacy coaching. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.