What does intimacy coaching look like?

With all the inquiries I’ve been getting about my intimacy coaching service, I wrote this blog post to help you decide if it’s right for you. First off, every session is tailored for the individual client and his unique challenges/needs, so in this regard, no two sessions are alike. Most men seek out this service because they want to gain more confidence in the way they interact with women in an intimate setting. Some clients have had zero experience with sex or have had a limited amount of encounters and just want the process broken down (kissing, erogenous zones, how and where to touch, oral sex, etc). Some have had a lot of sex, whether with one person or with many partners, but still feel disconnected in some way. This disconnection can manifest as not being able to receive, always pleasing the other person while disregarding his own pleasure, worrying about “performing” or “getting it right,” being lost in thought or anxiety rather than present in his body, and focusing too much on getting to the orgasm — which can make sex feel like a mechanical series of steps to get through rather than a process of exploration and connection. Some clients are navigating the dating scene, while some have just gotten out of a long term relationship and the thought of being with a new person feels foreign and intimidating to them. I provide a safe, nonjudgmental space where men can openly share their concerns, get to know their own bodies better, and practice the skills that will help them connect to others on a more fulfilling level. So what exactly are these skills?

Communication

Unfortunately, most sex education programs in the US public school system are severely lacking. Many of us have not been taught how to communicate effectively around sex. Some of us were taught that sex is shameful, while some simply experienced silence around the subject. It was the latter for me, and I spent all of my adolescence into my early thirties not knowing how to speak up during sex, except for the times I was in a long term relationship and had developed enough rapport to speak openly. All those other times consisting of casual sexual encounters ended up with mostly bad sex that left me feeling empty. Somehow I learned that women were supposed to pretend like it all felt good even when it didn’t. It wasn’t until I became a provider in this industry that I started learning how to communicate better, and even then it took me a few years to become proficient at it. No one taught me either; my clients were just as ineffective as I was at communicating in an intimate context. I just had to start using my voice because I realized that if I didn’t, I’d have to put up with a lot of undesirable behavior. I can’t tell you the number of times men have attempted to pull my hair, twist my nipples, choke me, bite me, etc., WITHOUT asking for consent first.

Now when I start any intimate session, I share all of my “yes’s” and “no’s”, the ways I like and don’t like being touched, and I ask my partner if he wants to share any preferences. I use my voice throughout, guiding my partner to let him know when something feels especially good or if I want modifications, asking him questions to see what he likes, slowing things down when they feel too rushed. Most of my clients appreciate the clear communication because it cuts back on all the confusion and guessing. Some older clients have complained that we shouldn’t have to communicate so much because it “ruins the flow,” that we can just “figure it out as we go” — the problem with this thinking is that it runs the risk of us assuming we know what the other person wants and bulldozing over their preferences and boundaries, which they didn’t even get a chance to assert. You also have no idea if they have had any sexual trauma or insecurities that they are currently dealing with. For some people, it can be really difficult to speak up in the middle of something sexual occurring, especially if it’s unexpected and they’re with someone new they haven’t become fully comfortable with yet, so if you don’t set the stage for open communication, they may be less inclined to let you know that they dislike something that you’re doing. Not to mention, if you are having sex with someone for the first time, especially if you just met, it is highly unlikely things will naturally “just flow,” because the two of you still need to get to know each other’s bodies. In a healthy sexual dynamic, it’s more likely that the first few sessions will consist of you two experimenting and checking in with each other and then, as you become more in sync, the sessions will organically flow. So maybe the first or second time is a little clunky, but then the third or fourth time is incredible. This doesn’t happen without effective communication.

Preferences can also change. Even those in a long term relationship sometimes lose their connection because they assume their partners always want the same things and don’t make the effort to check in. Sex can then become monotonous and boring, and it can be easier to suffer in silence because it feels so uncomfortable to say anything to your partner if you two are not used to talking about it. Whether you are just dating casually or want to get into a serious relationship, given how rare it is for people to communicate effectively around sex, it is likely that you will have to be the one to take the initiative to create an environment where open and honest communication is encouraged. You might have to be the first person to state preferences/boundaries and ask questions to get your partner talking. This will take practice. If you are not accustomed to using your voice, the competence and confidence will not appear overnight. It takes lots and lots of practice. I model and teach healthy communication in my intimacy coaching sessions and offer you the space to practice.

Presence

If you are stuck in your head with looping thoughts of worry and anxiety, you are not present in your body. If you are constantly thinking about whether/when your partner will orgasm, if your dick will get/stay hard, if you will ejaculate too quickly, you are not present in your body. To be present means to be completely immersed in what is happening in the moment, feeling the ebb and flow of physical sensations and emotions. Presence allows you to fully connect with your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure. I help you get more present in my intimacy coaching sessions by slowing things down and communicating to check in with you throughout the process.

Awareness

To be aware is to notice what is happening in the moment. If you are not paying attention to your partner’s body language and responses, then you will be disconnected from their experience. If you don’t notice when your body recoils, for example if your partner does something too fast or too rough on you, then you are disconnected from your own experience. If you are not aware of the amount of pressure you are using when you touch someone, then you will not be able to make adjustments when they ask you for more or less of it. Once, I kept asking a client to use less pressure, several times over, and he would acknowledge my request and attempt to make the adjustment, but ended up using the same amount of pressure every time; it was clear he couldn’t tell how much pressure he was actually using. It can take practice to gain awareness around nuance. It’s not as simple as slow or fast or soft or hard; everything exists on a spectrum. An intimacy coaching session might have lots of starts and stops so that we can discuss the subtleties you notice in physical sensations as we experiment with various types of touch.

Mindset

Most people approach sex with a goal-oriented mindset: to orgasm and/or to bring their partner to orgasm. This puts a lot of pressure on sex, on yourself, and on your partner. It also puts sex in a narrow box, as if its only purpose is to reach orgasm. Sex can be so much more expansive than this. For example, sex is not just P in V. If you think that’s all it is, then there’s a whole world you’re missing out on. When you focus solely on attaining orgasm, sex can become a mechanical series of steps or a session of high stakes problem solving: “When will she orgasm? Why is it taking so long? What do I need to do to get her there? If she doesn’t orgasm, that means I failed.” OR “What if I don’t get hard? What if I don’t stay hard long enough? What if I don’t orgasm? What if I orgasm too fast? If my dick doesn’t work exactly the way I want it to, that means I’m less of a man.” This is way too much pressure. Shifting your mindset is a skill you can practice. Let’s start by removing your worth from what happens during sex — you are a whole person, deserving of all the love and compassion in the world, regardless of how a night of sex unfolds. You are not responsible for anyone’s orgasm, and no one owes you an orgasm. Everyone experiences pleasure in their unique way, at their own pace, whether that involves orgasm or not, and whether it involves an erection or not, and it can be different each time even with the same partner. There have been plenty of times that I didn’t have an orgasm and still had an amazing experience. I’ve also orgasms that felt too intense physiologically, and I would've preferred to just luxuriate in the pleasure of the plateau instead. These examples are very specific to me, but the point is that orgasm is not the be-all end-all. Once you let go of the attachment to a specific outcome, sex becomes so much better. When you approach it as an exploration of pleasure and an opportunity to get to know and feel more connected to your partner, it can be so much more freeing, playful, and fulfilling. It won’t have to progress in any type of way, there can be starts and stops, oscillation between tender holding and intense passion, awkward moments and laughter; it can be both sexy and goofy.

Safety

Intimacy is the closeness that’s cultivated when these vulnerable moments are shared between two people who feel safe with each other. If you are braving it in the dating world, it can take time to build this type of trust in a relationship, especially since many people have not been taught to make these mindset shifts around sex. Maybe you haven’t felt safe enough to show up as your authentic self when you are in an intimate setting with a woman because you’ve faced rejection, judgment, and ridicule. Maybe the women you’ve met have not been understanding towards your challenges around sex and intimacy, which has prevented you from being open with others about where you’re at. My intimacy coaching sessions provide this safe space for you to show up fully as yourself, with all your insecurities, anxieties, curiosities, and questions. My intention is to remove the shame from sex, and I do this by offering a judgment-free and compassionate container. When giving you guidance, I will be straightforward and honest, while also being kind and supportive.

I want to encourage you to build safety within yourself. To do that, you need to understand what your emotional needs are and honor them. (By the way, the more connected you are to your emotions, the more connected you will be to your body, and the more connected you will be during sex — to a point that it can feel spiritual.) It’s important to communicate what you need in order to feel safe with intimate partners even though it can feel vulnerable and scary, and people may not always be receptive. The crucial point is to be the person that always has your own back, to have the level of self-respect that doesn’t allow you to settle for a partner who doesn’t have the capacity to hold safe space for you. Just remember that confidence doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it takes courage first. Courage is taking action even when something scares you. The more you practice doing this, the more you’ll see how much you’re capable of, and the more confidence you’ll gain. It’s not easy, but I’m here to help you :)